Several of my married friends now find themselves in the \u201csandwich generation\u201d \u2014 working full time, parenting teenagers, and looking after aging parents. This has to be one of the hardest times of life!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In some cases, the demands of taking care of their aging and even abusive parents have become increasingly difficult and unreasonable for them, with little appreciation from those aging parents regarding the sacrifices they\u2019re making, and no desire to consult on ways to make things better. My friends feel powerless and confused over what to do, and several have wondered what wisdom the Baha\u2019i writings could contribute that might help improve such difficult and fraught relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
RELATED: Can We Inherit \u2013 and Heal \u2013 Family Trauma?<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Abuse within the family is a deeply painful and complex issue that can leave individuals grappling with their obligations and responsibilities, especially when it involves a parent. The Baha\u2019i Faith <\/a>teaches central principles of love, compassion, and forgiveness , but how do these principles apply in situations involving an abusive parent? What does it mean to honor an abusive parent? Does it mean you have to put up with their abuse? Does it mean you need to visit them, take care of them in their old age, or stay in an abusive household? These are some of the questions I\u2019ve been asked, so I\u2019d like to share some of my thoughts on this important topic, as I try to help navigate them through those tough decisions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n First, as a general principle, the Baha\u2019i teachings ask us to honor and serve our parents. Baha\u2019u\u2019llah<\/a>, the prophet and founder of the Faith, made it clear when he wrote<\/a>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Should anyone give you a choice between the opportunity to render a service to Me and a service to <\/strong>[parents], choose ye to serve them, and let such service be a path leading you to Me. This is My exhortation and command unto thee. Observe therefore that which thy Lord, the Mighty, the Gracious, hath prescribed unto thee.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n This exhortation seems pretty clear \u2014 and equally hard to let go of! Clearly, however, Baha\u2019is do not allow themselves to be the object of cruelty or allow it to happen to others. Baha\u2019u\u2019llah wrote<\/a>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n The friends of God must be adorned with the ornament of justice, equity, kindness and love. As they do not allow themselves to be the object of cruelty and transgression, in like manner they should not allow such tyranny to visit the handmaidens of God. He, verily, speaketh the truth and commandeth that which benefitteth His servants and handmaidens. He is the Protector of all in this world and the next. <\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n Balanced with this guidance, the Baha\u2019i Faith also places a strong emphasis on the importance of family unity, love, and compassion. Baha\u2019is try to foster harmonious relationships within their families, and treat their parents with respect, kindness, and compassionate understanding. In light of this principle, the National Spiritual Assembly of the Baha\u2019is of the United States has issued guidelines for those who suffer from abusive family situations:<\/p>\n\n\n\n While one may have enormous sympathy for how destructive patterns of behavior originate and that they are often due to the abuser having been abused earlier in life, such compassionate understanding should never be used to excuse or justify misconduct, or to bestow undue sympathy for its consequences, as that only perpetuates the problem and may extend it into the following generation.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n Consultation forms the cornerstone of Baha\u2019i decision-making. The Baha\u2019i teachings encourage engaging professional help or legal intervention when dealing with abusive situations. In fact, seeking guidance from trusted friends, Baha\u2019i Institutions, counselors, therapists, and other authorities can be a responsible and necessary course of action to ensure safety and healing and often proves invaluable in navigating complex family dynamics that involve abusive situations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In cases of abuse, the safety and well-being of all family members, including the victim and any others who may be affected, are of paramount concern. Baha\u2019is are obliged to protect themselves and others from harm. The U.S. National Spiritual Assembly guidelines say that compassion and understanding go a long way:<\/p>\n\n\n\n All those who abuse do not fit the same mold. While some are extremely resistant to intervention or treatment others may be able to accept responsibility for their behavior. Some individuals who abuse may live with acute, and often hidden, feelings of shame and self-loathing. Despite the suffering they bring to others, they may be in need of compassion and forgiveness themselves and may hope for rehabilitation with intervention and assistance. These individuals would be in need of a supportive, loving, non-judgmental community as they strive to overcome abusive behaviors. However, this should not be interpreted to mean that an individual who abuses may shift responsibility for any lack of progress to his or her family members, community, or Baha\u2019i administrative institutions.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n The Baha\u2019i teachings also emphasize the importance of maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships. Setting boundaries is a way to protect oneself from further harm while striving to maintain a sense of dignity and self-respect as you identify what you are and are not willing to do. In reaching your decision, the democratically-elected Universal House of Justice, the global leadership body of the world\u2019s Baha\u2019is, offered this counsel to one Baha\u2019i with abusive parents:<\/p>\n\n\n\n The House of Justice has noted with sympathetic understanding the despair to which you have been driven by the recurrent incidences of cruelty and neglect you have been made to endure \u2026 Under the circumstances you have so amply described, you should feel free to separate yourself from them to the extent possible. Their behavior towards you grossly violates the norms of parental relationship with a child, and this fact can be taken into consideration if and when you decide to get married.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n It helps to understand that we can never set another person\u2019s boundaries; but only do so for ourselves, praying to God for the patience and determination to stick to those boundaries.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There are ways you can be kind to an abusive person now without having contact \u2014 particularly through prayer. This will help in two ways \u2014 it will help both you and them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
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