Today I had somewhat severe pain in my chest, side, and back, and it made breathing difficult. I took a pain reliever and hoped the pain would subside. As I was taking my nightly walk, I talked with God, stating that I would be absolutely resigned to His will\u2014if it was His will to take me home. I believe I was completely honest with Him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My pain subsided after a few days, and now I can breathe, cough, yawn, or sneeze without experiencing too much discomfort. This likely means the pain wasn\u2019t cancer-related, which suggests I\u2019m going to hang around a little while longer. I\u2019m relieved, although I can\u2019t say I know the full truth of it. I\u2019m also somewhat disappointed to still be here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One good habit\u2014or rather, virtue\u2014I\u2019m seriously practicing is letting go of my desires. Just before I fall asleep, I talk with God and say:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cGod, if You want to take me tonight, I will bow down to Thy will. And if You want to keep me here for whatever length of time, I will bow down to Thy will.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It feels so good and comforting to let ALL my affairs rest in His hands, since He is my guide and refuge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve already bought my coffin, burial plot, headstone (with the inscription carved in, save for the end date), and I even have my burial shroud and the required Baha\u2019i burial ring. The ring bears the inscription revealed<\/a> by Baha\u2019u\u2019llah:<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n I came forth from God, and return unto Him, detached from all save Him, holding fast to His Name, the Merciful, the Compassionate.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n This phrase symbolizes the soul\u2019s journey: its origin, its reliance on God, and its ultimate return to Him. The ring is an essential element of Bah\u00e1\u2019\u00ed burial practices, signifying spiritual detachment and trust in God during the soul\u2019s transition to the next world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Bah\u00e1\u2019\u00ed law, the body\u2014after being washed and while prayers are recited\u2014is to be wrapped in white cotton or silk shroud, and nothing else. While obligatory practices include the burial ring and the Prayer for the Dead, other customs, like applying rose water, may be observed based on cultural preferences or personal choice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The reason for this long explanation is this: like the saying goes, \u201cI\u2019m all dressed up with nowhere to go.\u201d<\/em> I\u2019m prepared\u2014but it seems God doesn\u2019t think I\u2019m quite qualified for the journey yet. That said, I do have one concern: food and medicine have expiration dates. I\u2019m wondering if my coffin does too\u2014and if it does, and it expires, can I get a refund?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day in my adopted country, the United States. It\u2019s a national celebration marked by traditional meals\u2014turkey, stuffing, pies\u2014and cherished time with family and friends. It\u2019s a happy day that reminds us, at least once a year, to be thankful for the blessings God has bestowed on us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Where I live, there will be a small celebration with traditional food and some joyful fellowship among the residents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m noticing something strange about life here: it feels both slow and fast. A new neighbor recently moved in. Her husband is a patient in the nursing section. Not long after she arrived, I heard she was hospitalized and in serious condition. The crisis was sudden and unexpected. I hoped she would recover\u2014but a few days later, she passed into the next world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Another dear friend, my brother David, was also recently hospitalized for two days. I didn\u2019t even know it. I hope he\u2019s not suffering.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I am so excited today\u2014my heart is exploding with joy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One of my angels (caregivers) and I were heading to my eye doctor, but we arrived too late. She went inside to check in while I waited in the SUV. Because of my shrinking height and difficulty climbing stairs or moving quickly, I delayed us. The office has a 25-minute grace policy, and we missed it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n She came back to tell me they\u2019d rescheduled for next week. I was ready to leave and hoped to find someone who could return with me. I didn\u2019t want to get upset\u2014I\u2019m working on not reacting to people or situations with frustration.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As we processed the disappointment, a man approached the SUV and knocked on the window. I recognized him\u2014it was my beloved eye doctor! He was on his way out, but when he saw me, he asked if I had another appointment. Moments later, he invited us back into the building so he could personally see me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve been seeing him for years. I tease him mercilessly\u2014and he seems to enjoy it. Out of pure love and generosity, he sacrificed his time to treat me. He told me he loves me. And I know he means it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As I\u2019ve said many times, I should\u2019ve been dead six months ago. But here I am\u2014shakily alive and still teasing my doctor! I believe God has opened my heart and eyes, not only to love others, but to feel their love in return.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When the visit ended and we returned to the front desk to sort out insurance paperwork, we met a tall, kind, African-American gentleman. He made eye contact with my friend and came over to us. Instantly, we felt a deep spiritual connection. We stood there talking\u2014about God, about life. It felt like we\u2019d known each other our whole lives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We exchanged names, phone numbers, and emails. He asked if he could visit us\u2014and before the month ends, he wants to take us to a restaurant to break bread together. Of course, we said yes. I gave him a few Bah\u00e1\u2019\u00ed healing and prayer cards. Right there in the office, as the staff were leaving for the day, we said a prayer together. Then we continued our uplifting conversation outside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He shared that he\u2019s recently retired from the military and had a life-threatening emergency. One morning he awoke with a severe anxiety attack and went to the ER. It turned out he had an undiagnosed aortic aneurysm. Had he not gone in, he would\u2019ve died within the hour.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We also shared my story\u2014my ongoing cancer\u2014and together we reflected on the goodness of God. This may have been one of the best days of my life. Praise be to God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I even recited <\/a>part of this Hidden Word from Baha\u2019u\u2019llah:<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n My calamity is My providence, outwardly it is fire and vengeance, but inwardly it is light and mercy.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n How can anyone survive a life-threatening crisis and not believe in the loving hand of the Creator?<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m tired from lack of sleep, but I\u2019m so excited I doubt I\u2019ll be able to rest tonight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Later that evening, after we went to a Greek restaurant and had dessert first\u2014my Oreo Blizzard, her peanut one\u2014we enjoyed a simple dinner of lentil soup: the food of queens!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Back home, one of the caregivers, who had been upset due to stress at work, said she needed prayer. She came to my room and the three of us prayed together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n She told me that when she\u2019s overwhelmed, she feels drawn to pray with me\u2014that I help her calm down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It gladdens my heart deeply. People know I am a Bah\u00e1\u2019\u00ed, and yet they come to me for comfort and connection to the divine. Every night I ardently pray to be a channel of His grace. To think that someone like me\u2014once a committed denier of God\u2014could now be a source of spiritual comfort, however small, is a miracle in itself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
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